Quick warning.. sad and depressing... another boohoo to me. I just needed to rant and get my thoughts out of my head.

Have you ever felt that you can never get out of your head? You have too many thoughts.  The stress of life and the weight of everything in your life on your shoulders.  That's how I am feeling right now.  I can't get out of my head to do my actual work, for work.  It's been like this going on at least a month recently (been going on, on and off for much longer) and it's only getting worse.  I feel like I can't escape to be myself.  I am feeling so angry towards everything and having to bite my lip as much as I'm physically able to keep myself from going ape shit on everyone.  I know I've been a poor father and husband as of late. I am always upset at my family.  I'm hating myself for it.  It's not their fault I'm in the mind set and depression I'm in.  I take it out on them.. and I try not to.. I haven't been doing to well at it.

I know what I need.. I know I will not get it. I think that's what is driving me more crazy than anything.  I need a week away from everyone and everything.  To just disappear and get my head straight.  To just hide away from the world.  To just sit there and draw all I want, listen to my music, and to watch the movies and tv shows I love.  Just have my own peace.  I need to "free my mind."  That's all I'm asking for.  A week of me.  I know it sounds selfish and I hate that it has to be that way, but it's what I need to get right.  I know that I am not right, right now.  I'm completely totally fucked up in the head.  It's the honest to god truth. I'm loosing it and I am having hell holding it together.

See, even right now I am at work and my focus is trying to get things out of my head so that I can work.  I love my wife and my children.  I'd give my life to defend them but I am not doing them any good right now.  I am having hell controlling my actions and I'm afraid of what it is doing to them.  The stress of life has taken a major toll on me and seeing how things have been in the last month .. I just.. I just can't seem to get a grasp on it.  I feel like I can't protect them.  Not from the world and not from me.  I know there are so many people who have it worse than I do.  I know this, I've seen it.  It doesn't help how I feel and it's not helping my mind.  I have it good compared to many people of this world.  I'm not them and they are not me.  I have to look out for myself and my family and to give them a better life than what I have done for them in the last eight years.  So, when I hear, "just remember there are those out there that have it worse than you." Or when I tell myself the same thing... it's not working.  It doesn't fix the fact that I'm losing my mind over the stress of MY life.

So, I come here to my art world to vent.  I know that many of you here are just as stressed... maybe a little worse or have been where I am at.  It's a place to where I can vent and hopefully hear kind words to help me make it through.  I don't post this to my normal blog or to pages to where EVERYONE can see it.  It's just to those that I feel could listen to me.  To those that don't have a dA but still visit my art (I love you Sweets).  dA is my home to vent.  When it comes down to it... art is my life.  Always has been and always will be.  It's where I disappear to when I need to be myself.  I feel so much better when I finish a project and it comes out looking better than the last.  So, this is my rant for the day... and thank you for reading.